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Sunday, May 28, 2017

So, you say you bought five pounds of matzah and only needed two? You picked up five boxes of hand shmurah and only used three of them? And now it’s the day after Passover, and you’re left with oodles of the stuff. And the supermarket now has a deal to give matzah away free with every purchase over two dollars. Well, fear no more. Here is a list, compiled by experts in every field imaginable, of what you, the educated consumer, can do with your “matzah she’avar alav hapesach,” so to speak. Thanks to all the experts who provided me with their wisdom.

A square variety of matzah can be used as ablative tiles to protect space vehicles from the intense heat of reentry.

Also, although this is still experimental, we’re trying to see if old matzah balls can be used as protective material for the indestructible black boxes of future aircraft. Again, I would like to reemphasize that this is still under investigation.

David Z., Physicist, Retired Vice President of Technology (Rocket Scientist)

Kao Matzate. ‘Nuff said.

Dov L., Cardiologist

It can be used as a theft deterrent device. You put it in front of your door, and if a thief comes, you hear the crunch.

Brian A., Stock Analyst

I like to eat the matzah after Pesach with peanut butter. I feel like I’m living on the edge. Matzah and kitniyot, do you know what I mean?

Gary S., Technology Manager

During my residency in plastic surgery at Montefiore Hospital, 1968-1970, the famous Papa-Dok Matzoh Bakery went up in flames during the kashering of one of their ovens. Six of their finest speed bakers suffered second- and third-degree burns. I was on call in the emergency room that day, and was present when they were brought in for treatment.

Their arm wounds were naturally dressed with moist shmurah matzah that had dried prior to their arrival.

Unfortunately, but fortuitously, they had to wait several hours (or certainly more than 18 minutes) before I could treat them. As Albert Einstein once said, “Accidents happen to the prepared mind.” I noticed that on removal of this ancient wound poultice, swelling was moderate, and the wound was ready for grafting.

The factory sent over six more pounds of shmurah, and it was used for further grafting that night. One week later, the matzah crumpled off, and the new skin had regrown.

The entire episode was published in the American Journal of The American Society of Plastic and Reconstructive Surgeons in September 1968, and it is now standard procedure to use shmurah matzah for skin grafts in the treatment of burns worldwide.

Morton F., MD, Plastic Surgeon

Home Improvement Opportunities:

The unused matzah can be quite effective as replacement roof shingles.

Break the matzahs into pieces large enough to maintain a high R value and blow it into wall cavities as festive insulation.

Dress up those drab rooms with matzah beadboard.

Stan M., Electrical Engineer

The matzahs can be used to teach fractions and geometry.

Roneet M., Lecturer in Mathematics

Do not make matzah pizza. That’s for sure.

Elliot R., Pizza Store Magnate

Use the matzah as a barrier membrane for guided tissue regeneration. It is denser than Gor-Tex for the downgrowth of epithelium.

Dr. Neil L., DDS, Periodontist

A large group of matzahs should be collected and made into welcome mats for people who are returning from Florida.

Ari M., Advertising Executive

Aircraft that fly aggressive low altitude or high-angle of attack maneuvers will experience high acoustic loading in the presence of external stores. These high acoustic loads can lead to premature sonic fatigue in thin gage metallic structure. As a means of prolonging fatigue life, while at the same time restoring structural load carrying capability in damaged structure, composite bonded repairs that incorporate damping layers have been developed using aged shmurah matzah. These composite bonded matzah repairs have been installed on military aircraft with great success. Coupling adhesive bonded composite patches with damping treatments also provide robust and effective repair designs for aerodynamic surfaces that have sustained battle damage.

Typical composite patches consist of boron/epoxy laminate layered with shmurah matzah on opposite sides and bonded to adjacent structure.

Repairs using the matzah have withstood airspeeds of Mach 2.8.

References

[1] D. Rabinowitz, “Composite Wing Repair Using Hand Shmurah Matzah—An Update,” Air Force 3rd Aging Aircraft Conference, 26-28 September 1995.

[2] R. Kit N’iyot, “Design Development of a Bonded Composite Fuselage

Repair for Supersonic Tactical Aircraft,” 2007 USAF Structural Integrity

Program Conference, 14-24 January 2007.

[3] M. Levine, “The Modal Strain Energy Finite Element Analysis Method

and its Application to Matzah Laminated Repairs of Aircraft Structures,”

Proceedings of the 1992 USAF Structural Integrity Program Conference,

WL-AB-93-488480, September 1993.

Jesse S. Aeronautics Engineer

They would make excellent textured wallpaper.

Robert K., Optometrist

Non-reusable Frisbees.

Rabbi Mark L., School Principal

Matzah can be used for casting a fractured bone. Regular Streit’s is good for a smaller fracture, say a metacarpal bone, but for a large bone like a femur you’ll need shmurah. I like to go with Williamsburg Satmar shmurah. It has staying power.

Dr. Mark M., MD, Orthopedist

In the event of a water landing, a box of matzah can be used as a flotation device, though not for very long.

Maggid of B., Itinerant Storyteller

Matzah can be used as a grid format for constructing mortality tables.

Also, considering the global warming crisis, matzah could be used to make igloos for Jewish Eskimos.

David S., Actuary

They can be used as emergency lechem mishnah kits for the weeks that you have a sudden challah crisis.

Tina F., Teacher

Matzah would make an excellent toilet flapper.

Isser K., Plumber Extraordinaire

Matzah can be used as a filter for water purification and filtration systems.

General

Effluent

Brine

Removal

Underwater

CHometz

Transfer

System

A cartridge (square or round available) is loaded with matzah, about 10 sheets. Water from the water company is diverted to the filter. Water flows parallel to the matzah sheets. The high surface area of the matzahs make maximum contact with the water which, due to osmotic imbalance, give up their chometz and other contaminants to the simple wheat-only confection. The water is then pure and ready for household use and drinking.

Yitzchak H., Computer Expert, Technological Consultant

It could be used as a really funky Rorschach test.

Dr. Michael T., Psychologist

A round shmurah matzah works well as a clock face, but the rumors of the ninjas throwing matzahs at their enemies are completely unfounded.

Rabbi Dan R., Educator

Please send letters to the editor of The Jewish Link with your ideas. I’m sure that a few hundred entries would be greatly appreciated.

By Larry Stiefel

 Larry Stiefel is a pediatrician at Tenafly Pediatrics who is dealing with a lot of matzah overdoses and assorted ailments this week.