One special feature of a traditional Jewish wedding is the Yichud Room. It is a private room for just the bride and groom in which only the groom and bride may go inside.

At Ashkenazic weddings, the Yichud Room comes immediately after the chuppah and before the reception. At Sephardic weddings, the Yichud Room typically follows the reception (possibly because the bride and groom need their kibbeh fix). In either case, the Yichud Room serves one primary purpose: creating the first moment in which the newlyweds are alone at last, whether they like it or not. Yes, even the rabbi, chazzan, photographer, caterer, wedding planner and nosy, pushy relatives are barred from entering the Yichud Room. It’s a party for two and nobody else is invited, so bribing the bouncer will simply get you… bounced.

Halachically speaking, the term Yichud pertains to the laws prohibiting a man and woman from sharing a private room together unless and until they are married. The irony, of course, is that some married couples often can’t stand to be in the same room with each other.

Technically, the bride and groom should remain in the Yichud room for at least eight minutes, which is plenty of time to get into a meaningless argument about things that don’t really matter like whether Uncle Mordy was sleeping during the chuppah ceremony or whether Aunt Malkie was unimpressed with the flower arrangement. In the Yichud Room, the bride and groom also are supposed to break their wedding day fast, which is a wise idea before partaking in endless hours of festive, intense and borderline psychotic hora dancing.

Suffice it to say, the Yichud Room is an incredibly personal, meaningful, beautiful and holy experience that should be treated with the utmost respect and grace. It is a magical moment that should be honored and protected by those on the outside and, at the same time, savored and treasured by those on the inside.

To ensure that the sanctity and dignity of the Yichud experience is preserved, there are certain things that one spouse should never say to the other spouse while in the Yichud room. Some of these things may be perfectly obvious and abundantly self-evident but, on a cautionary note, below are some examples of things that should NEVER be uttered in a Yichud Room under any circumstance:

What’s your name again?

In all honesty, you were my second choice.

Your family is paying for this wedding, right?

I now understand what is meant by the term “buyer’s remorse.”

Do you want to file for divorce now or should we actually give this a shot?

Let’s hope the tenth time’s the charm.

Do you mind if my college roommate moves in with us?

Did I ever tell you about my pet Rhinoceros?

FYI: My snoring registers on the Richter Scale.

My parents forgot to tell me to “marry up.”

Here’s the good news: Our kids have a 50/50 chance of looking like me.

I wonder if a couple has ever sued their matchmaker?

One question about our marriage: What is the cancellation? Oh, there is no cancellation policy. Well then, how about refunds or exchanges?

My parents will not be over for dinner every single night. They play Cannaster on Tuesdays.

My mother will not be our interior decorator. She also has opinions about the exterior, including the driveway, patio and yard.

My parents will not be moving in nextdoor. They’ll be across the street.

Is our honeymoon tax deductible?

Did I happen to mention that I’m in a witness protection program?

I bathe no less than once a month.

I don’t need to “keep up with the Joneses.” I need to surpass the Joneses in every single way.

Great news! I will be off probation in about a month.

I do not double-dip. I triple and sometimes quadruple dip.

I need quality “me” time so I prefer to vacation by myself.

I do not overspend. I under-earn.

I am a true romantic in that I love to be loved.

I always clean up after myself, eventually.

I never lie. I manipulate, twist facts and strategically select versions of the truth to suit my agenda.

I will always be there for you, unless I’m at the gym, shopping or movies.

Oh, by the way, I’m an astronaut and I’ll be going on extended trips to outer-space that will equate to several years back here on earth. But don’t worry, we can Skype.

Final thought: Treat marriage like a horse-drawn carriage. Enjoy the ride, even when it gets a little bumpy.

By Jon Kranz