We are all aware that life does not always follow the ideal pattern of that storybook portrayal that one anticipates as one journeys through life. Little girls play house as Mommies with Daddies (or Tatties or Abbas), with lots of dollies in their idyllic family. But for an ever-growing number of people in society at large and very much so in the (Orthodox) Jewish world, this is not the scenario that is their reality. Stuff happens, life happens, and for many women, the reality is a far cry from their childhood dreams.
Jewish society reflects the patterns of the greater society within which we live. This leaves a very large segment of our society on its own—but not necessarily alone. It finds many a woman perpetually facing life as a guest at another table, or dining alone at home. Ironically, since so much of our lives is family centric, each week and on Yomim Tovim, the awareness of her storybook life gone awry is painfully unavoidable.
It would appear on a superficial level that there is very little, if anything, that society at large can do to alleviate any of these very disturbing facts. Yes, we would love to find a shidduch for every woman; we shake our heads in sympathy for the widow and for the divorced woman we know. Sympathy seems to be the only factor we can provide. But this is a very inaccurate assumption. No, we can’t assure that every couple lives out its golden years together. We certainly can’t solve all shalom bayis problems. And the shidduchim…well, haven’t we tried, perhaps innumerable times, to suggest the perfect match for the single women we know?
But, in fact, there is a great deal that we can do, although we cannot change the scenario; only the One Above can do that. But it is possible to seek out, to alleviate, to some extent, the challenges that these women face. First, the easiest and most difficult: our attitude! It requires no check-writing, no driving or parking, but for so many of us, it is the biggest challenge. Women facing life on their own or in a scenario that is no one’s choice, deserve, first and foremost, our respect—not our pity. No one wants to be considered a “nebbich.” It is demeaning and depressing to think that one is the object of another person’s pity. Being invited because she “needs” a meal, because she has “no place else to go” is vastly different from being invited as a desirable guest, whose company is valued, irrespective of her marital status! Like her professional status, a woman’s marital status is just one aspect of the whole person, of her personality, talents and capabilities.
Within the amending of our attitude is the very, very important aspect of an undercurrent of judgmental conclusions we often tend to hold subconsciously. Unlikely that a widow caused her husband’s early demise—but a divorcee? Hmm…. Could we be thinking that the individual involved didn’t really “try”? Did she put her own personal happiness above her children’s welfare? Well, maybe, just maybe, that attitude may subtly—or not so subtly—come across, to the great discomfort of the individual. And singles? Well, if you are married and they are not, obviously you have the secret to success and it is only with the best of intentions that you have valuable information to share as to the cause: too fat, too thin, too quiet, too loud and, of course, that oldy but goody—too picky!
There are so many positive ways to reach out. Invite a woman on her own for a specific meal (not a vague “come sometime”), invite her to a walk in the park, or to join you for a shiur or a dance class. Ask her if she would like a lift to a simchah. If she has children at home, see if someone in your family can invite a boy with no father to shul or to learning group. Don’t give her advice as to where she can get matzos or buy a lulav and etrog; rather, offer to expedite the process.
Mindfulness is everything. A compliment that she looks good is always appreciated far more than a platitude about difficult life situations! Perhaps she just needs a container of milk and wouldn’t it be nice if you picked it up for her rather than pointing out that the local grocery delivers. Opportunities abound, and with an open eye and genuine respect, you can make a difference. As we enter a new year, with the hope that the One Above is mindful of our needs, big and small, let us reach out to others whose year may have challenges we cannot imagine. May all of the simanim that graced our Rosh Hashanah tables become the realities of all of our lives. Gmar chatima tova.
Ahava Ehrenpreis is the author of the recently released book, “On My Own… But Not Alone: Practical Advice and Personal Narratives.” Shaar Press/ArtScroll, June 2019. Available at local Jewish book stores, at artscroll.com and on Amazon.
